Losing a pet is one of the hardest experiences a family can face. Pets become part of the household. They offer routine, comfort, love, and a sense of security. So when a beloved animal passes away, it can feel like you’re about to lose a member of the family too.
For children, especially, this may be their first encounter with death, which makes it more important to guide them through the process with compassion, support, and honesty in a gentle and respectful way.
A good way to help children understand the goodbye is by allowing them to be part of the memorial process.
Some families choose to hide this from their children and just bring them in at the end, but it can help them to process their grief if they’re involved in choosing a private pet cremation service with you and choosing what urn to use.
This can provide a sense of closure and allow space for a personal tribute.
However you decide to say goodbye, the most important part is to create an environment that is supportive for your children to be able to grieve and ask honest questions.
Here are some tips for having this important conversation.
- Be clear with your language. It may feel very natural to soften the blow with phrases like went to sleep or ran away, but these can confuse young children and they’ll be always expecting the pet to wake up or come home. They might wonder out loud these things, and that can be difficult for you if you’re also trying to grieve.It’s important to talk about the body of the animal stopping working and use the word death. This can help children to understand what happened without overwhelming them. Keep your tone warm and reassuring and avoid giving more detail than they need for their age. Focus on answering their questions as honestly as possible.
- Be honest about how you feel. It’s absolutely fine to allow your children to see you cry. Showing your own emotions can help them to normalize their feelings, and children often take emotional cues from adults. If they see you handling grief with openness and care, they’re more likely to openly feel that themselves. They’ll feel safe to express their own sadness.Let your children know that they’re not alone in how they feel.
- Encourage them to ask questions. There will be a lot of questions surrounding both the death and what comes next, so let them lead and try to be honest. Be patient if they ask the same question more than once because grief is a confusing cycle. They have to try and wrap their minds around death, which is hard enough as an adult, never mind a child.
- Offer ways to say goodbye. Saying goodbye in a personal way can help children to process the loss. This can mean drawing a picture or writing a letter to the pet to be cremated with them, or having a small family ceremony. If you’ve chosen a private pet cremation, you could involve them in placing a photo or toy near the urn or talking about a special place to scatter the ashes, if that’s something you want to do.
- Reassurance, always. Children may worry that other pets or people will disappear, too. Offer calm assurance and explain that while death is a natural part of life, not everybody is sick or going to die very soon. Make sure that your explanations are grounded in their level of understanding and give them space to feel safe again. Simple routines such as story time, outdoor play and cuddle time can go a long way in rebuilding that sense of security that they may have lost.
- Give it time. Grief has no schedule. Some children may seem fine and then cry again weeks later, and others may ask questions out of the blue long after their pet is gone. That is all normal, but be patient with the process and let your child express their feelings in their own way. They may want to talk a lot or not at all. They may want to look at photos or put everything away. Follow their lead and offer support without pressure.
It’s not easy to grieve the death of a pet. As an adult, you are more equipped to handle it than a child is.
You’re still going to feel your own grief, so make sure that while you’re supporting your children, you’re also supporting yourself.